Saturday.

As an early (A whopping 5 months. That’s how I roll.) birthday present to David, Emily and I went in together and got some awesome seats for him and his best friend, Taylor, to go to the Ducks .vs. Kings game in LA.  It was perfect because David is a Ducks fan and Taylor is a Kings fan!  I decided to be their chauffeur for the night so they could both party for their birthdays, but wasn’t too thrilled with the fact that I’d be stuck out in LA, by myself, while they were in the game.  Lys had a class to make up, Sarah was in San Diego, & Emily didn’t end up coming down with Taylor.  My dad ended up coming with me.  We went to the movies and saw Wanderlust & it turned out being a fun night! But that’s when it hit me – I have no friends/girlfriends.  Although this is something I have brought upon myself, it still makes me sad & almost depressed to think about it.  Sometimes it makes me even regret some of the choices I have made.

This past year I decided that I needed to start respecting myself more & get rid of all negativity in my life.  Its been quite a struggle, but I have a great family & husband, that support me wholeheartedly, to help me through it.  I let go of a handful of people that weren’t supportive; that couldn’t stand seeing me happy; that just flat out put me down or made me feel left out.  After all, those aren’t really friends.  A friendship is a relationship that both parties have to work to keep alive and I was feeling some relationships were very one-sided.  It’s funny to see how a friendship just dwindles away to almost nothing when that one side is taken away.  It’s a huge punch in the face of reality.  It hurts.  But this is life and I’ve come to terms with that.  Kind of.  These past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling REALLY down about it all.  I seriously considered emailing one of those friends to try and rekindle the friendship we once had, but since then have decided that that is a terrible idea.  Nothing had changed.. I found that out the last time we tried to be friends again.  So why would it be different this time?  I guess I just like the thought of having childhood friends still.  To be able to say, “We’ve been friends since the 4th grade!”  To have someone that really knows me.  But along with that feeling comes the bad feelings.  The fights over the DUMBEST things.  The one sided friendship.  The blame game – and it’s always my fault.  And the guilt trips.  But I’d have a girlfriend again!  Someone to drink wine with on any given week day.  Someone to call up & say, “OMG. Guess what?!” and have inside jokes from YEARS ago with.  To have that sisterhood that we once had back.  It seems as though the bad outweighs the good in this situation though because I’d be batshitcrazy to go back to that.  And everyone around me can and do tell me the same.  We used to have fun.  We used to do everything together.  We used to trust each other.  Now, I have to worry if she’s going to turn around & tell all my secrets to her other friends.  Or wonder if she talks as much shit on me as she does on her other so called “friends”.  That just isn’t right.  I understand people have their own opinions of people and weather they’d like to force those opinions on others is their own choice, but it just doesn’t seem like something you should have to worry about when it comes to your BEST FRIEND.  Two-faced is not a quality I want to see in my best friend.  But I still miss her.  Does it ever get easier?  This is worse than breaking up with a boyfriend!  I just have to keep my promise to myself and stay arms length away.  In the long run these will be the best decisions I’ve ever made – i just know it.  Just keep thinking of all the good people I have in my life and be thankful for them.  Give them my all instead of giving it to people who could really give two shits about me.  And I have a lot to give!

I’d rather have no friends than shitty friends.